As a means of prefacing his essay to the 1998 AVN awards, David Foster Wallace mentions the individuals, between twelve and twenty-four of them each year, who elect to cut off their own dicks. He reports that the survivors of self-castration cite their sexual urges as “intolerable sources of conflict anxiety,” that ”The desire for perfect release and the real-world impossibility of perfect, whenever-you-want-it release had together produced a tension they could no longer stand.” Urging any would-be eunuchs reconsider and stay their hand, Wallace proceeds to offer the world of pornography as an alternative universe that offers the perfect, on-demand release of sexual gratification impossible outside of Caligula’s palace or the Harem of the Oil Sheiks.

Alas, Wallace’s hypothesis seems to have gone the way of rap-rock. While it seemed appealing at the time, most responsible contemporary thinkers would agree that it is just wrong. Pornography is hardly a panacea for anybody mulling over autocastration; rather, in these trying times, even with a superabundance of free pornography, the reasons why you should cut your dick off are more multitudinous than ever (that is, if you were already thinking about it anyway.)

I know that a man’s connection to his phallus is a problematic issue clouded by rash, emotional judgments. It’s a conundrum to rival the famous Gordian Knot: fulfillment of the the phallus’ wishes is the primary motivation for most of our daily tasks, yet these same wishes are our primary sources of all problems and anxiety. And like that legendary piece of twisted up rope in Phrygia Gordium, it’s a problem that can only be solved by the razor-sharp blade of logic.

Printed below are the top 6 reasons, in no particular order, of why it’s a good idea to castrate yourself.

1) The ancient Romans had a phrase, Omne animal post coitum triste praeter gallum mulieremque – “Every animal is sad after sexual intercourse except cock and woman,” which is a pretty self-explanatory, and I’m sure universal sentiment. I know you know that feeling – “the oh-my-god-what-did-i-just-jack-off-to?-god-is-dead moment,” AKA the post-modern blues, and I’ll be the first to say so, it’s the pits. But as omnipresent as the danger of post-coital tristresse may be it is just as easy to protect yourself from by cutting off your own dick.

2) Think of all the lost time that is a direct result of you having a sex drive. Instead of reading this you could be out creating jobs. Do you think the Carnegies and Rockefellers of this world would have ever made their fortunes if they could just as easily work at Burger King and jack off four times a day? Hardly. I’ve even heard the more rigorous business schools are offering special scholarships for eunuchs.

3) If the capitalist hustle and bustle isn’t your thing, look at the problem from another angle; life would be a lot of more chill. The resulting loss in testosterone production would be the equivalent of an opiate-addiction, but free. Think of how much time and money you’d save playing the dating game, and consequently how much less you’ll need to work to maintain your standard of living. It’s like if you never had to eat again! Aren’t you always doing things you don’t want to just to get laid? Don’t let your dick be the boss of you – Free your Mind! Cut off your dick! 4) Sex is so common. Meanwhile less than thirty people cut their dicks off every year. Castration isn’t as easy as getting a Skrillex haircut, it’s a sign that you’re ready for a serious commitment to a life spent thinking hard about the issues and not being another sheep/slave to capitalist consumer-sex-spectacle of society.

5) Cut your dick off and become a viral video star – remember the guy from pain Olympics? That guy’s probably laughing his balls off, just laughing on a yacht somewhere while a team of Italian strippers performs pleasure surgery on his prostate. You can still do something fun to your prostate without all your other junk, right? (Sadly, castration after puberty has no effect on the larynx, so castration won’t effect your chances of getting a spot in the Vienna Boys Choir.)

6) Science! Maybe you think you’re life is meaningless now, but the answer to that problem is as simple as cutting off your dick and letting a team of scientists attach a bunch of electrodes to your brain. You, John Q. Schmuckly could be the next Phineas Gage, and your name will be synonymous with opening anecdotes in intro psychology classes around the globe.

The more I think about it, the harder it becomes for me to think of one reason for everybody not to cut his dick off, but I’m afraid if I go on I might be legally responsible if anybody actually did (not that they would regret it.) So, there you have it – stop reading and go take your life back from your John Thomas (and let me know if the prostate-thing still works without all of your other stuff.)

Shad Getz, DDS.