Gif by the amazing Paul Robertson

By Shad Getz DDS

I feel really stupid lately. I thought I was watching the latest of the Republican debates on CNN, but something was amiss; the suddenly surging Rick Santorum was making more sense than usual. I couldn’t quite hear him and it was only when I tried to turn up the volume that I realized I’d mistaken the former senator from Pennsylvania for another gentleman with a crucifix toes-deep in his anus.

Just kidding, I knew that wasn’t part of the debates, but I also can’t be sure that isn’t Rick Santorum either. That’s the way these things work, right? One of my favorite passages from the old testament, often cited as the inspiration for Thomas Aquinas’ maxim, “thou who smelt it, dealt it,” is the oft-overlooked passage from Ecclesiastes, “Thou who accuses others of fucking dogs is often the dog fucker his self.” It goes on to say that the fuckers of dogs should be cast out of the village for a week and their wives stoned to death, but I think in our more enlightened era we can accommodate those with unusual sexual preferences, and even those who marry them.

Don’t get me wrong, most Christians are fine with me, especially when it comes to sex. Condoms? Hell no, they’re about maximum sensation. Benedict XVI suggests, no, insists you do it rawdog, even if he can’t himself. They also eschew birth control, because what’s the fun in gambling if you can’t lose? And, even as a devoutly secular Jew, I side with the republicans; we definitely live in a Christian nation founded on a Christian culture. What could explain the popularity of S&M more than the fact that our religion’s foundation rests on the basis of unconditional love for a tyrannical overlord? In fact, from what I understand, most Christians gather once a week to celebrate their spiritual slavery by, what else, drinking their master’s blood!

If you’re talking about Christianity and fetishism, the crucifix is a good place to start. Many Christians believe them to have magical powers, and even direct their prayers towards them. Perhaps that’s why barelyevil.com has their models bless their ladyparts with what seems to be the same crucidildo (or is it dildufix? I never went to parochial school so I don’t know the technical name, but I did hear terrible, sordid tales of abuse from my friends. A good friend of mine, when he was a child, was in fact abused by a priest. He was talking during mass when Father Gerald punched him in the face.) Also, if you take a minute to examine a crucifix closely, you’ll notice each one features a half naked young man, who, if his face is any indication, seems to have just finished jizzing in his toga.

From what I can tell, most modern crucifix fucking is heavily influenced by this seminal piece of vintage pornography from the 70’s, where two priests tie some teenage chick (slut) to the bed, burn her with holy water/acid and watch her fuck herself with a crucifix while she whispers dirty little nothings like, “your mother sucks cocks in hell.”

Rounding out the field of theological themed pornography is Demoniccunt.com (insert Rodney Dangerfield ex-wife joke here) and a glut of nun porn which can be dismissed in one sentence because not even the Vatican thinks their that important. For some reason whenever I google “priest porn” or “priest sex”, I keep getting news articles instead of porn sites.

The only downside is that religious girls can get prett-y clingy after sex, so I’d advise you to stick with anal, because somehow that doesn’t count. The point is Christian porn is worth a gander; the power of Christ compels you to check it out.