By Shad Getz, DDS

Grandma Getz had an expression she’d tell my sisters when we were growing up on our farm outside Toronto, “Better to be thinspired than have a fucking fattitude,” and it’s as true today as it was then. Women, if you ever want to be happy with your body, maybe you should stop reading now because today’s topic is Skinny Porn (like, super-skinny porn.)

Now you’re asking Shad, aren’t most of the girls I see in porn are already thinner than anybody I’ve had sex with since high school? Of course, but this is the Internet, where you get to fuck with somebody else’s dick. And not only that, but here’s a good rule of thumb: a healthy Internet sex-life (addiction?) is by definition as far removed from your non-virtual sex-life as possible. Simply put, when you find yourself only jacking off to people that slightly resemble down-on-their-luck versions of former lovers, you’re doing it wrong.

Well, enough for dallying. If you please, leave your soul behind and follow me. Most of the skinny girl stuff out there, and typically with the skinniest skinny girls, is solo stuff, probably because having sex with these women might cause them to, oh what’s the word? Oh yeah, die. For some reason half of these videos are tagged as ‘anorectic’, because it’s a clever way to skirt some kind of regulation or simply because this videos are being uploaded by rows and rows of 14 year-olds in a internet-porn-factory in the outskirts of Kiev, I can’t say.

Somehow, the next step up is skinny girls with gigantic dildos. This could make sense on two levels. Firstly, maybe these toys aren’t that huge, they just look gigantic in reference to tiny people, like the way they built Frodo’s house in the first Lord of the Rings movie. The second thesis is that it is much easier to accommodate a Louisville Slugger-size dildo when your entire body is in fact made out of repurposed old rubber bands.

At this point we come to what is either a big mistake, something to skip over, or a part of your life that we’re totally cool with an nobody is judging you for. Basically, if your looking for women with a shape roughly between that of a 12 year old boy and a plank of wood, there’s a good chance what you really want to fuck a tranny. Don’t worry dude, some of them are super-skinny, and even have big boobs. That can’t be gay, can it?

When you get to the fucking, super-skinny porn is basically the same as all other porn, but just made to appeal to people who couldn’t get enough of the Bodies Exhibition. Sure, the girls might be slightly crazier, or arguably less attractive, but the point is what works in pornography isn’t always what works in real life. Super-skinny porn is a uniquely-appealing niche when the sexual stimulation is entirely visual because everybody knows that while tall skinny girls are the best to look at, you need a wrestler bitch when it gits down to the fuckin.